LISA HOPELESS – It’s now time for my favourite part of the evening, Request to Address Council, or as I like to call it, The Lunatics Have Taken Over the Asylum. Bob Jones, you’re up first.

BOB – Thank-you mayor and council. I’d like to talk to you tonight about affordability. According to one widely-accepted definition of the term, affordability means a rent or mortgage that does not exceed thirty percent of gross income. Let’s see how this applies to a new development in the Gonzales neighbourhood. Condos are going for $800,000 a pop. Affordable? Maybe if we’re talking about Hollywood, California. But no, we’re talking about Hollywood Crescent. I would like to propose that all new condo developments in Victoria be required to post a sign in front of the property clearly stating how much buyers would need to earn to afford one of the units.

LISA HOPELESS – Thank-you, Bob. Keeping it in the family, our next speaker is Bev Jones.

BEV – Believe me, I’d be the first to tell you that my husband has a tendency to bury you in facts and figures, and, yes, perhaps he uses a little too much hair gel, but that’s still no excuse not to give him your undivided attention. Councillor Bullshit, I noticed that you were on your computer the whole time Bob was at the mic.

COUNCILLOR BULLSHIT – I’m giving a lecture tomorrow on the Winnipeg General Strike of 1919.

BEV – Maybe a little less concern about Winnipeg in 1919 and a little more attention to Victoria in 2018 would be in order.


BEV – And what about you, Councillor Luscious? I have video surveillance footage showing that you slipped over to the Veneto for a coffee and a croissant while my husband was giving his presentation.

COUNCILLOR LUSCIOUS – I had to recuse myself.

BEV – Whatever for?

COUNCILLOR LUSCIOUS – I needed a snack, okay? You don’t want to see me hangry.

BEV – If you can’t handle your full-time job as manager of the Rialto and your duties as a councillor, maybe it’s time you considered giving up one or the other. I’d be more than happy to take your place on council . . .

COUNCILLOR LUSCIOUS – I’m sure you would.

BEV – And Bob could replace Councillor Bullshit.

COUNCILLOR BULLSHIT – Hold on a second . . .

BEV – It’s going to be tight, but with the extra money we’ll be bringing in, we should be able to just qualify for our dream home. Hollywood, here we come!