LISA HOPELESS – In keeping with the city’s commitment to multi modes of transportation, I’m requesting that all councillors shall henceforward refrain from driving a car to council meetings.
COUNCILLOR JOE THORNTON – That’s easy for you to say. You’ve got the Lisa Hopeless Expressway taking you doorstep to doorstep.
LISA HOPELESS – And you’re married to a bus driver, Joe. I’m sure he could just put one of those NOT IN SERVICE signs up on his bus and make a special trip downtown.
COUNCILLOR ALTERNATIVE REALITY – Remember Lisa, not all of us live close to City Hall.
LISA HOPELESS – It’s all downhill if you’re cycling in from Mount Tolmie, Marianne.
COUNCILLOR ALTERNATIVE REALITY – But it’s all uphill going back.
LISA HOPELESS – To be completely honest, Marianne, I don’t think it would do you any harm to lose a few pounds.
COUNCILLOR ALTERNATIVE REALITY – Thanks for making that part of the public record, Lisa.
LISA HOPELESS – Anytime. Councillor Bullshit, you’ve always been a keen supporter of Car Free Day . . .
COUNCILLORS BULLSHIT – But I’m like everybody else who attends the event. I usually park two blocks off Douglas Street, and then make out like I’ve had to hike in for miles to get there.
LISA HOPELESS – Well, maybe it’s time for you to not just talk the talk, but walk the walk. Here’s an idea, why don’t you get yourself a bicycle-built-for-two and you can advise Councillor Loveflake on how he should vote during the ride in.
COUNCILLOR CURMUDGEON – I’m going to dust off my penny-farthing!
LISA HOPELESS – That’s the spirit!
COUNCILLOR MADDAG – What about me? I’ve got a bum hip.
LISA HOPELESS – You live in James Bay, Pam. Pedicabs and horse-drawn carriages are always an option. Just make sure not to spook the poor creatures.
COUNCILLOR LUSCIOUS – Thank heavens I only have to walk over from the Rialto.
LISA HOPELESS – Hopefully in a straight line, if you know what I’m saying.
COUNCILLOR LUSCIOUS – Oh, I know what you’re saying, girlfriend!
LISA HOPELESS – Councillor Coalman, you appear to be the last hold out.
COUNCILLOR COALMAN – But I’ve got such a busy schedule. Between parish meetings and council meetings, it seems there’s always somewhere I need to be yesterday.
LISA HOPELESS – Don’t tell me you’re using God as an excuse to keep driving your old gas guzzler.
COUNCILLOR COALMAN – You got me, Lisa. The Raleigh probably needs a bit of a tune-up, but you can count me in.
LISA HOPELESS – We’re all agreed then. Car-free council meetings begin next Thursday. I expect I’ll be seeing a few of you on the new bike lanes.
COUNCILLOR CURMUDGEON – Not if we see you first.