OLD GUY – Thank you, mayor and council for the opportunity to speak tonight. I am here to voice my opposition to the plan to install bike lanes on lower Cook Street.
LISA HOPELESS – Bike lanes good, old men bad.
OLD GUY – I’m concerned that construction of the bike lanes will result in significant disruptions along one of Victoria’s most traveled streets.
LISA HOPELESS – According to staff, there will only be minor traffic tie-ups for a short window during the late afternoon commute.
OLD GUY – According to our own independent study, there will only not be major traffic tie-ups during the wee hours of the morning.
LISA HOPELESS – So we are in agreement then.
OLD GUY – Not exactly. But let me move on to another one of my concerns, namely public safety. Heaven forbid, I was to suffer a heart attack, would emergency vehicles be able to respond in time to save my life?
LISA HOPELESS – My advice to you is to not have a heart attack in the first place.
OLD GUY – Forgive me, Madame Mayor, but that’s hardly a solution.
COUNCILLOR COALMAN – Christ! What’s happening to Lisa’s head?
COUNCILLOR JOE THORNTON – It looks like it’s about to explode!
LISA HOPELESS – Not to worry, folks. I’ve just had a brainwave!
COUNCILLOR CURMUDGEON – Uh-oh!
LISA HOPELESS – What if the bike lanes on Cook Street were used not just for recreational purposes but for emergency services as well?
OLD GUY – You mean ambulances would be able to drive on the bike lanes? Wouldn’t that be dangerous?
LISA HOPELESS – Like a typical man you’ve completely balled up what I’m trying to tell you.
OLD GUY – What do you mean?
LISA HOPELESS – What I mean is all emergency services to Fairfield would be supplied using active transportation. So, for instance, if a house was to catch fire on Linden, instead of sending out a big noisy firetruck belching harmful fumes, we could have a bike brigade answer the call.
OLD GUY – But how would they put out the blaze?
LISA HOPELESS – How do you think? Water bottles and Super Soakers, obviously.
OLD GUY – Begging the Mayor’s pardon, I’m not sure that would quite get the job done.
COUNCILLOR COALMAN – Speaking as one old guy on behalf of another old guy, I think the speaker makes some valid points. Let’s say we accidentally on purpose forgot to install the bike lanes on Cook Street. Would the city be any the lesser for it?
LISA HOPELESS – Need I remind Councillor Coalman, we are making decisions not only for today but a hundred years into the future. What if during the next millennium Klingons decide to turn Earth into a prison colony? Would the residents of Fairfield be prepared in the case of such an emergency?
COUNCILLOR COALMAN – I can’t rightly say.
LISA HOPELESS – Which is precisely why I’m mayor and you’re not.