DISPENSARIES

LISA HOPELESS – Welcome to a special meeting of council to discuss new regulations pertaining to the sale of medicinal marijuana. We tried to rent The Joint for the evening, but they were having none of it. We’ve got a lot of stoners—I should say speakers—to get through, so how about we get things rolling by having Bandanna Man light one up for us. Welcome, Bandanna Man.

BANDANNA GUY – See this bandanna? I’ve been wearing it since 1968. And you know why? Because I have as much right to wear a bandanna as Councillor Curmudgeon has the right to wear a tweed cap. The mainstream media have been in the business of spreading lies and misinformation about alternative headwear for decades. I say, don’t buy into it! Bandannas rule!

LISA HOPELESS – Thank-you, Bandanna Man. Next we have Loopy Mary.

LOOPY MARY – As you can probably tell, I have issues. Physical, mental, some you can see, some you can’t—the list goes on and on. Before I discovered Buddha Balls, I was addicted to Oxycontin. Now whenever I feel pain, I just suck on a ball.

LISA HOPELESS – Thank-you, Loopy Mary. Next up we have Crazy Larry.

CRAZY LARRY – Hi council guys. Some of you smoke weed, am I right? Maybe some of you even smoked weed before this special council meeting? Maybe some of you smoke weed before every council meeting? I can tell you I’d be rolling myself a big fattie if I knew I had to listen to Councillor Curmudgeon drone on about land use policy for an hour. Anyway, my landlord said that if I smoke weed on the balcony one more time, he’s going to evict me. That’s why it’s important that dispensaries have a back room so that people like myself have a safe space to light up.

LISA HOPELESS – Safe spaces are important.

CRAZY LARRY – See, even the mayor agrees with me!

LISA HOPELESS – Next up we have Bernard Von Schnitzel.

BERNARD – Let me begin my presentation by passing on a few statistics that may surprise you. For instance, would you guess that a third of the people who come into dispensaries are senior citizens? Usually it’s because they’re lost and think we sell novelty lamps. But once we clear up the confusion and they see what our product is capable of—they’re hooked! Another fact that might seem counterintuitive at first glance is that the majority of our clientele are women. Unlike Crazy Larry, they’re not looking to smoke a fattie, but would prefer their THC in an edible form. Any questions?

LISA HOPELESS – I understand you’ve brought along a very special guest, Bernard.

BERNARD – That I have, Madame Mayor. It is my great pleasure to introduce Martha Stewart who has made time in her busy schedule to be here with us tonight.

COUNCILLOR JOE THORNTON – Martha Stewart!

COUNCILLOR LUSCIOUS – Living!

MARTHA – Bernard asked me to whip up a batch of Full Strength Hash Brownies for you all to try. I came by the recipe in prison and it’s served me well ever since.

COUNCILLOR COALMAN – No pun intended.

MARTHA – First, I start with a layer of hashish, cover it with a layer of smooth chocolate ganache, and then to top things off, crumbled hemp hearts mixed with coconut.

COUNCILLOR LUSCIOUS – Martha, this beats any dessert we make at Veneto hands down! Do you think I could get a copy of the recipe to give to our pastry chef?

MARTHA – By all means.

COUNCILLOR MADDOG – Martha, I’d just like to tell you what a big fan I am. And these brownies are incredible! To be honest I often experience back pain when these meetings run so long, but tonight not so much as a twinge! I know I’m being a little piggy, but do you mind if I have another?

MARTHA – I made a double batch. So feel free.

BERNARD – I hope this demonstration has made it abundantly clear that council needs to modify the regulations being considered so that dispensaries are allowed to not only sell wacky tabacky but edibles as well.

COUNCILLOR BULLSHIT – Look! Councillor Curmudgeon just ate his third brownie, and he’s actually smiling. I don’t think I’ve ever seen that happen before.

COUNCILLOR MADDOG – The first time in thirty years!

COUNCILLOR LOVEFLAKE – Now that’s what I call a miracle drug!