EDITOR – There have been rumblings that the paper doesn’t do enough investigative pieces like the Globe and Mail.
ERIC ASSKISS – I wasn’t aware that we did any.
EDITOR – What about Jack Putz?
ERIC ASSKISS – His columns are flakier than my strudel pastry. Here, let me show you the recipe.
EDITOR – Eric—listen carefully—I don’t give a flying fuck about your apple strudel recipe. What I care about is that the Times Communist be taken seriously. That is why I’m making you our first ever investigative reporter.
ERIC ASSKISS – But I’m the food editor!
EDITOR – The two jobs need not be mutually exclusive. So what are you offering up to our aging readership this week?
ERIC ASSKISS – A recipe for banana bread.
EDITOR – Doesn’t everyone know how to make banana bread?
ERIC ASSKISS – But this particular version contains chocolate chips.
EDITOR – Chocolate chips in banana bread—how avant-garde! I’m sure the old biddies will eat it up.
ERIC ASSKISS – It doesn’t take much to please my fans. True confession—if I’m short on time, I just recycle a column from years ago. I’ve lost count how many times my Classic Grilled Cheese Sandwich has appeared in print. Nobody ever seems to notice.
EDITOR – But it still doesn’t answer the question of how we turn your column into hard-hitting journalism.
ERIC ASSKISS – How’s this for an idea? What if I get in touch with a few local politicians and tell them that I’m doing an article on their favourite foods.
EDITOR – I’ve never known a politician who could resist free press.
ERIC ASSKISS – The interview will start as soft as a Murchie’s panna cotta . . .
EDITOR – But by the time its over?
ERIC ASSKISS – I’ll have grilled them like a Keg New York Strip Loin.
EDITOR – Well-done?
ERIC ASSKISS – Medium raw. The blood still dripping.
EDITOR – I knew I could count on you, Eric. How about we interview Lisa Hopeless to kick-off the series?
ERIC ASSKISS – I do believe the mayor’s about to learn you can’t build a bike lane without cracking a few eggs.