GARRY OAK

LISA HOPELESS – Next on our agenda, we have an application to subdivide an existing lot in Oaklands so that an extra house can be built on the property.

COUNCILLOR JOE THORNTON – This is a tough one . . .

LISA HOPELESS – You always say that!

COUNCILLOR COALMAN – One of the more difficult decisions we’ve faced in a while . . .

LISA HOPELESS – You always say that!

COUNCILLOR LOVEFLAKE – I’ve gone back and forth on this one . . .

LISA HOPELESS – Will you guys please come up with some new material!

COUNCILLOR ALTERNATIVE REALITY – I have no problem supporting the motion.

LISA HOPELESS – Hashtag me too. One of the key goals of the strategic plan is increased density—so what the hell are we waiting for?

COUNCILLOR BULLSHIT – Does the mayor forget that a magnificent Garry oak will have to be cut down to make way for the new house?

COUNCILLOR CURMUDGEON – The owner says the tree is diseased.

COUNCILLOR BULLSHIT – She looks more diseased than the tree.

COUNCILLOR MADDOG – Are you guys interested in my two cents?

LISA HOPELESS – Not really. But go ahead anyway.

COUNCILLOR MADDOG – I believe a garden suite would be a better fit for the lot.

COUNCILLOR COALMAN – On the other hand, the land is not a park and we want to encourage young families to move into the neighbourhood.

LISA HOPELESS – What say you, Councillor Loveflake?

COUNCILLOR LOVEFLAKE – I’m still on the fence. Every time I think I’ve got my mind made up, I get convinced to change my vote.

COUNCILLOR ALTERNATIVE REALITY – Think density!

COUNCILLOR BULLSHIT – Think Garry oak ecosystem!

COUNCILLOR LOVEFLAKE – Ouch! That wasn’t very nice, Ben.

LISA HOPELESS – What’s wrong, Councillor Loveflake?

COUNCILLOR ALTERNATIVE REALITY – I think Councillor Bullshit just kicked him under the table.

LISA HOPELESS – Enough of this shit! It’s time to vote. All in favour? All against?

COUNCILLOR COALMAN – Looks like a tie!

LISA HOPELESS – Here’s your opportunity to show why you get paid the big bucks, Mr. Coax. What happens in the case of a tie?

MR. COAX – The motion fails.

COUNCILLOR MADDOG – Tough luck, Lisa.

LISA HOPELESS – Looks like you win this one, Pam. But bigger battles remain to be fought.

COUNCILLOR ALTERNATIVE REALITY – And in the end, the dark side shall prevail. Bah-ha-ha!