GONZALES

LISA HOPELESS – Welcome to tonight’s public hearing in which we’ll be considering a proposal to subdivide a property on Gonzales Hill to allow for the construction of three new homes. Hold on to your hats boys and girls, it looks like we’re in for a wild ride. Our first speaker is the Lady of Shalott.

LADY OF SHALOTT – As a long-term resident of Gonzales, I can tell you this development application flies in the face of everything we’ve worked so hard to try and preserve in the neighbourhood community plan. It seems not only have we been fighting the developer, but an unsympathetic city planning staff as well. This proposal should have been nipped in the bud before it even got off the ground.

LISA HOPELESS – Our next speaker is Margaret Jenkins.

MARGARET JENKINS – This development application is an insult! An insult to a heritage property! An insult to the Gonzales neighbourhood! Not to mention, an insult to the environment!

LISA HOPELESS – I haven’t heard this many insults since Don Rickles passed away. Next up say hello to Howdy Doody.

HOWDY DOODY – Most of this project is being built on barefaced rock. Do you know how much blasting that will require? I can tell your more than teacups will be rattling while construction is going on. Another thing, how many of you are aware that of the original Garry oak meadows in Victoria, only two percent remain? If council is serious about reducing climate change, one of the simplest ways to accomplish this goal is to stop cutting down trees.

LISA HOPELESS – That brings an end to our public input. So council what do you think?

COUNCILLOR MADDOG – How can anyone possibly get excited by this proposal? Three monster homes that fill every square inch of space up to the property line and make absolutely no attempt to blend in with the natural environment. Victorians take pride in the fact that out-of-towners wish they could live here, but if we continue down this road of overdevelopment that we’re currently on, we won’t want to live here ourselves!

(Wild cheering.)

LISA HOPELESS – How many times do I have to tell you losers? No cheering. Especially if it’s not for me. I’m sure I speak for Councillor Alternative Reality when I say I really, really, really want to approve this development application, but . . .

COUNCILLOR JOE THORNTON – But what?

LISA HOPELESS – But know that if I do I’ll tarnish my reputation as environmentalist forever.

COUNCILLOR BULLSHIT – I wouldn’t worry too much. Your credibility on that front is already pretty much shot.

LISA HOPELESS – It is with a heavy heart then that I must decline the application in its present form. I do however encourage the developer to return to the drawing board and submit something almost as horrendous in a year’s time. A few cosmetic changes ought to do the trick. Have you given any thought to a waterfall? I’d even be open to a koi pond.

COUNCILLOR MADDOG – You and the raccoons!