COUNCILLOR LOVEFLAKE – Mayor, fellow councillors. As you might have heard in the news, while the minimum wage in Ontario has gone up to fifteen dollars an hour, certain coffee shops are attempting to do an end-around the new rules by cutting back on employee benefits.
LISA HOPELESS– So what’s your proposal?
COUNCILLOR LOVEFLAKE – That council declare Victoria a sanctuary city for hipster baristas.
COUNCILLOR BULLSHIT – Coffee shops are the second biggest employer in the capital region after government services, so it only makes sense.
COUNCILLOR LOVEFLAKE – I knew I could count on your support, Ben.
COUNCILLOR BULLSHIT – Anytime, buddy!
COUNCILLOR LUSCIOUS – I don’t honestly know how I’d get through some of these meetings without a triple Americano.
COUNCILLOR MADDOG – I like a pumpkin spice latte myself.
COUNCILLOR LOVEFLAKE – See what I’m saying! This city couldn’t run without caffeine.
LISA HOPELESS – So what is it that you propose council do, Councillor Loveflake.
COUNCILLOR LOVEFLAKE – I move that we cover the travel expenses of hipster baristas who want to escape the unfair working conditions in Toronto and move to Victoria.
COUNCILLOR COALMAN – What if you’re a barista but not a hipster?
COUNCILLOR LOVEFLAKE – We’ll offer training courses on how to wear skinny jeans and trim your beard into a goatee.
COUNCILLOR CURMUDGEON – And have you tallied up how much the program will cost the city?
COUNCILLOR LOVEFLAKE – One hundred thousand dollars.
COUNCILLOR CURMUDGEON – Are you sure there isn’t an extra zero tucked in there somewhere?
COUNCILLOR LOVEFLAKE – You’re such a penny-pincher, Councillor Curmudgeon. Okay, I admit the cost of the program could run as high as a million bucks.
COUNCILLOR CURMUDGEON – A million bucks for a cup of coffee! Back in my day, coffee was a quarter and refills were free.
COUNCILLOR LOVEFLAKE – Councillors probably got paid a lot less too.
COUNCILLOR CURMUDGEON – Some weren’t even paid at all.
COUNCILLOR LOVEFLAKE – We’ve come a long way, baby.
COUNCILLOR CURMUDGEON – That we have, Councillor Loveflake. Now whether it’s forwards or backwards, that’s the real question.