HORSES

LISA HOPELESS – Our first speaker tonight is The Wacky Professor.

THE WACKY PROFESSOR – Mayor, council. I’m a professor in the Engineering Department at UVic. Although the primary focus of my research is sex robots . . .

COUNCILLOR LOVEFLAKE – Woo-hoo!

THE WACKY PROFESSOR – I do believe that I’ve managed to come up with a solution to the horse-drawn carriage issue that Victoria has been wrestling with for decades. As you well know animal rights activists claim that the carriages are cruel to the horses. On the other hand, those in the tourist trade claim that the carriages lend a certain old world charm to the city. The difference of opinion would appear to be an unbridgeable divide. At least up until now.

LISA HOPELESS – So what’s your wacky idea?

THE WACKY PROFESSOR – My wacky idea is to replace the horses with robots.

LISA HOPELESS – That’s so cool!

COUNCILLOR COALMAN – But is it possible?

THE WACKY PROFESSOR – If we can build a robot that looks and acts like a whore, we can certainly build a robot that looks and acts like a horse. The real horses could stay in the pasture chewing on clover, as the activists and the horses themselves would likely prefer, while the robot horses would be charged with the task of carting around annoying American tourists at a hundred dollars a pop. The good news—the robot horses wouldn’t break down as often as their real counterparts, and better yet, there would be no unwanted droppings at the end of the day.

COUNCILLOR JOE THORNTON – Sounds like a clean technology.

COUNCILLOR COALMAN – Joe breaks me up every time!

THE WACKY PROFESSOR – We’re even developing an app whereby the robot horse would be able to act as its own tour operator.

COUNCILLOR CURMUDGEON – You mean it would be a talking horse like Mister Ed or Francis the Talking Mule?

THE WACKY PROFESSOR – Exactly.

COUNCILLOR CURMUDGEON – Little did I realize when I was watching those movies as a kid that talking horses would someday become a reality.

COUNCILLOR BULLSHIT – Isn’t it amazing how much the world can change in a century.

COUNCILLOR COALMAN – So how would the app work?

THE WACKY PROFESSOR – Let’s say the carriage is traveling down Langley Street to Bastion Square. A chip in a hanging flower basket would trigger a chip in the horse and it would rear up on its hind legs and give visitors the scoop: “Welcome to Bastion Square, former site of the Maritime Museum, and now home to a bunch of junkies living in shopping carts and one really cool t-shirt shop.”

LISA HOPELESS – I don’t know about the rest of you, but I think this is an incredible idea.

COUNCILLOR CURMUDGEON – As good as the sky tram to Government House?

LISA HOPELESS – Even better! What say you, Councillor Alternative Reality?

COUNCILLOR ALTERNATIVE REALITY – This may seem like an odd question, professor, but is it possible that the carriage horses could also act as sex robots?

COUNCILLOR LOVEFLAKE – That doesn’t seem like an odd question at all. I was just about to ask it myself.

THE WACKY PROFESSOR – I’ll see you two after the meeting.