LISA HOPELESS – What are you doing in my backyard?
ERIC ASSKISS – I’m Eric Asskiss, here for the interview.
LISA HOPELESS – Wow! You’re a lot heavier than I imagined.
ERIC ASSKISS – When you spend your day testing recipes, it’s hard not to resist a little nibbling here and there.
LISA HOPELESS – I’m not sure nibbling quite covers it.
ERIC ASSKISS – By the way, do you read my column?
LISA HOPELESS – I like the big pictures, but sometimes I find your methodology confusing. Like last week’s step-by-step instructions on how to make a grilled cheese sandwich. A slice of bread topped by a slice of cheese topped by another slice of bread. I read the directions twice, and still got it wrong.
ERIC ASSKISS – If only you knew how well that recipe has served me over the years. A combination of cheeses is what makes all the difference.
LISA HOPELESS – Who’d a thunk?
ERIC ASSKISS – I’m sure as mayor of Victoria you’re no stranger to stress. What do you like to eat after a long day at the office?
LISA HOPELESS – Raw vegetables and gluten-free dip.
ERIC ASSKISS – Can’t say it comes as a big surprise. Speaking of dips though, Lisa, it would seem your approval rating as mayor is in free fall. Neighbourhood advocates say that when push came to shove on key votes you invariably let them down.
LISA HOPELESS – You think voters are angry at me?
ERIC ASSKISS – Not only angry, they feel you betrayed them. In the last election you came across as some ditzy new-age environmentalist, even though you received half of your campaign contributions from developers. Now, you’re dressing like a First Nations elder all the while rubber-stamping any and every development that crosses your desk.
LISA HOPELESS – I thought this interview was supposed to be about comfort food?
ERIC ASSKISS – Dear me—don’t tell me I’m making you feel uncomfortable.
LISA HOPELESS – To be honest, I’d like nothing better than to crawl into a safe space with a big plate of vegetables and dip.
ERIC ASSKISS – In that case, you might want to keep your eye open for next week’s column. I’ve got a recipe for baba ganoush that’s to die for.