COUNCILLOR LOVEFLAKE – An evil spirit currently casts its shadow over City Hall.
COUNCILLOR MADDOG – Lisa may be an idiot, but calling her evil is going way over the line, Councillor Loveflake.
COUNCILLOR LOVEFLAKE – I refer not to the mayor, but the statue of Sir John A. Macdonald. I would like to table a motion that the statue be replaced with a more positive role model for the community.
COUNCILLOR ALTERNATIVE REALITY – I second the motion. Not only is the statue a daily reminder of Canada’s shameful colonial past, but I swear every time I walk past the old goat he winks at me.
COUNCILLOR COALMAN – If I might interject a word of caution to our more progressive members of council, perhaps we should be careful about judging historical figures by present-day standards.
COUNCILLOR LUSCIOUS – And there’s also the little problem of whose statue would take the prime minister’s place.
COUNCILLOR BULLSHIT – I’d like to recommend . . .
COUNCILLOR CURMUDGEON – Wait—let me guess! Fidel Castro?
COUNCILLOR BULLSHIT – Close, but no cigar I’m afraid, Councillor Curmudgeon. I was going to suggest Hugo Chavez.
COUNCILOR CURMUDGEON – But Chavez and his cronies have turned Venezuela into a living hell!
COUNCILLOR BULLSHIT – You say that only because you’re looking at history through the eyes of a capitalist. What you fail to grasp is that Hugo Chavez succeeded at putting all Venezuelans on an equal footing.
COUNCILLOR CURMUDGEON – If by equal footing you mean can’t afford the shoes on their feet, then, yes, I suppose we can agree on that, Councillor Bullshit.
LISA HOPELESS – What about you, Marianne? Any ideas for replacing Sir John Eh?
COUNCILLOR ALTERNATIVE REALITY – My vote’s for Caitlyn Jenner.
LISA HOPELESS – A thoughtful suggestion as always. The only problem is we’d still be stuck with the statue of a white person. Joe, you’re council’s token member of a visible minority. Is there anyone you see fit to nominate?
COUNCILLOR JOE THORNTON – Mao Tse-tung.
COUNCILLOR COALMAN – You are aware Mao was responsible for the deaths of over sixty million people, Joe.
COUNCILLOR JOE THORNTON – But at least he wasn’t a white supremacist like Canada’s first prime minister.
COUNCILLOR COALMAN – Good point.
LISA HOPELESS – Maybe we’re overthinking this, guys. Considering this meeting is taking place on the traditional grounds of the Songhees and Esquimalt people, wouldn’t it make the most sense if we chose someone with an Indian background?
COUNCILLOR BULLSHIT – Chief Maquinna?
LISA HOPELESS – Actually I was thinking of Moe Sihota.