COUNCILLOR BULLSHIT – I’d like to introduce a motion, seconded by Councillor Loveflake, that the City of Victoria negotiate directly with CUPE in the upcoming contract talks.
COUNCILLOR CURMUDGEON – But the Greater Victoria Labour Relations Association has been negotiating union contracts since before I was first elected to council.
COUNCILOR BULLSHIT – Time to dust off the old cobwebs then, Councillor Curmudgeon. The city has a more than capable personnel department, does it not, Madame Mayor?
LISA HOPELESS – Beats me.
COUNCILLOR BULLSHIT – Given the resources available to the city, it is redundant that we should also pay someone to sit on the board of the GVLRA.
COUNCILLOR CURMUDGEN – Let’s see if I’m getting this right. You’re saying that there is in fact not strength in numbers? By negotiating alone, without the added clout brought to bear by other municipalities, the city will somehow achieve a better contract with the unions?
COUNCILLOR BULLSHIT – Better for some.
COUNCILLOR CURMUDGEON – With all due respect, it seems like the councillor is living up to his name. What he proposes is complete and utter bullshit.
COUNCILLOR BULLSHIT – Speaking of which, Councillor Loveflake would also like to make a request that all negotiations be held in camera.
COUNCILLOR LOVEFLAKE – But Ben, the union bosses said that they didn’t want any cameras in the room.
COUNCILLOR BULLSHIT – In camera means in secret, Jer.
COUNCILLOR LOVEFLAKE – Oh. In that case, in camera by all means. I sure wouldn’t want to offend the bosses.
COUNCILLOR BULLSHIT – Especially when they contributed over ten thousand dollars to each of our 2014 election campaigns.
COUNCILLOR LOVEFLAKE – Remember how the Republic of Fernwood was a sea of Ben and Jerry signs?
COUNCILLOR BULLSHIT – We could never have done it without our union connections.
COUNCILLOR LOVEFLAKE – One for one and all for all.
COUNCILLOR BULLSHIT – Or at least something like that.
COUNCILLOR CURMUDGEON – Given your background in law, Councillor Bullshit, surely you must see that this is an obvious conflict of interest. Leaning heavily on union money in order to get elected, and then doing the union favours once you are elected. There’s something not quite kosher about the whole situation.
COUNCILLOR BULLSHIT – Corruption is a long-standing tradition in Victoria politics. We’re just keeping up tradition.
COUNCILLOR COALMAN – So fess up then, just what you are your puppet masters hoping to achieve in the closed door negotiations you propose?
COUNCILLOR LOVEFLAKE – An across the board thirty percent pay hike.
COUNCILLOR BULLSHIT – I think what Councillor Loveflake means to say is that CUPE would like to see a modest increase in wages and benefits given the difficult and often dangerous tasks city workers perform on a daily basis.
COUNCILLOR CURMUDGEON – Like taking five men to dig a hole.
COUNCILLOR BULLSHIT – Must I remind Councillor Curmudgeon, we are living in the twenty-first century. Women now dig holes too.
COUNCILLOR CURMUDGEON – Whoever’s doing the digging, it will be Victoria taxpayers that are in a hole once this contract is signed.
COUNCILLOR BULLSHIT – I wouldn’t get too worked up, councillor. If all goes according to plan, this will all fly under the radar.
COUNCILLOR CURMUDGEON – What do you mean?
COUNCILLOR BULLSHIT – Between the removal of Sir John A. Macdonald’s statue and the construction of the bike lanes, there’s going to be so many hot button topics in the coming election, it’s doubtful the union contract even gets a passing mention.
COUNCILLOR LOVEFLAKE – Stupid me. I’ve already forgotten about it.