LISA HOPELESS – Mr. Coax, would you mind getting off your two-hundred-thousand-dollar-a-year ass and adjusting the microphone for our toddler-poet-in-residence. So Sunshine, what do you have for us tonight?
SUNSHINE – With a little help from my friends, I’ve come up with a poem I call Labradoodle.
COUNCILLOR CURMUDGEON – I can hardly wait.
Have you seen my Labradoodle?
She goes by the name of Peach.
Have you seen my Labradoodle?
She just laid a whopper on Gonzales Beach.
LISA HOPELESS – The perfect segue into our first item up for consideration this evening. Mary and Brad, you have the floor.
MARY – Thank-you, mayor and council. Currently dogs are not allowed on Gonzales Beach during the summer months. This runs counter to all of the other parks in the city. The bylaw needs to be amended.
BRAD – Residents of Gonzales fortunate enough to own waterfront property are able to slip down to the beach anytime they want with their French bulldogs and Weimaraners. This is so unfair to the rest of us who might be rich enough to live in Gonzales but not quite rich enough to have beach access.
MARY – Heel, Brad. Good boy.
BRAD – What about my treat?
MARY – Don’t worry. I haven’t forgotten.
COUNCILLOR JOE THORNTON – You reward your husband for good behaviour?
MARY – If you stop and think about it, men and dogs aren’t that different. All they really want to do is eat and run around a bit. Train them properly and they’ll obey your every command.
COUNCILLOR JOE THORNTON – I’ll have to keep that in mind.
MARY – Members of council might not be aware of it, but dog walkers provide a valuable community service on Gonzales Beach, picking up all sorts of garbage left behind by partygoers and other ne’er-do-wells. Why just the other day Brad carefully collected every piece of a broken bottle that a poor child might have stepped on otherwise. He then glued the pieces together into a Tiffany Lamp which he’ll be selling this Saturday at his booth at the Moss Street Market.
LISA HOPELESS – Good boy, Brad. Next up we have Blonde Guy.
BLONDE GUY – Mayor, council. Speaking as one of the bronzed and beautiful people who take over Gonzales Beach during the summer months, the last thing I want is some Saint Bernard snuffling around my junk, or a corgi causing a commotion when I’m trying to make my moves.
LISA HOPELESS – They say owning a dog is a great way to pick up chicks.
BLONDE GUY – Really?
LISA HOPELESS – You should try it sometime.
BLONDE GUY – Maybe I will.
LISA HOPELESS – Cool sunglasses, by the way.
BLONDE GUY – Thanks.
LISA HOPELESS – What can I say, folks? I’ve always been more of a chicken person, so I don’t have a lot invested in tonight’s decision. In fact, Joe, why don’t you make the decision for the rest of us.
COUNCILLOR JOE THORNTON – I say four paws up!
COUNCILLOR COALMAN – Did you hear that? Four paws up! Joe breaks me up every time!
LISA HOPELESS – Sorry, Blonde Guy. It looks like the dog whisperers win this one. But don’t despair, there’s sure to be other battles in other neighbourhoods.
BLONDE GUY – You haven’t seen the last of me!