LISA HOPELESS – If everyone could please settle down, I’d like to call to order this public hearing to consider an application to establish a liquor store at the Oak Bay Junction. Usually I invite the applicant up to go over the plans, but since approval is almost 100% guaranteed, why don’t we just skip to Speaker’s Corner. Welcome, Skid Row Joe.

SKID ROW JOE – Mayor, council. Currently, in order to get my daily dose of inspiration I’ve got to push my shopping cart all the way to the LCB at Foul Bay and Fort. If this application goes through though, I won’t have to push my shopping cart nearly so far.

LISA HOPELESS – Thank-you, Skid Row Joe. Our next speaker is Drunk Doris.

DRUNK DORIS – Mayor, council. I have wine bottles stashed in every room of my house. Even then sometimes my supply runs low and I have to get to a liquor store quick-like. This sometimes involves drinking and driving. But with the new liquor store being so close by, I won’t have to drink and drive—at least not quite so regularly.

LISA HOPELESS – Thank-you, Drunk Doris. Next we have Loose Ends Larry.

LOOSE ENDS LARRY – Your Worship, I’d like to point out that the new liquor store will be located in a strip mall that already has Money Mart as an existing tenant. Talk about convenient! I’ll be able to cash my payday loan, and then blow the entire amount on booze without having to walk more than a few steps. If council approves the motion tonight, it will be like putting an Empire Doughnuts next to a fat person’s house.

LISA HOPELESS – Thank-you, Larry. Our final speaker is Laverne. I understand you have a piece of late correspondence.

LAVERNE – The following letter comes from Marjorie, a pensioner living on St. Charles who unfortunately is unable to attend tonight’s meeting because it’s past her bedtime. Here goes: Mayor, council: Call me old-fashioned, but I like a Scotch on the Rocks with my porridge in the morning, Having a liquor store so close to my home means that I won’t have to bother my son to drive me to Fairfield Plaza anymore but can just nip down to the Junction in my walker. I would like to wish the applicant all the best of luck in his new endeavour. Regards, Marjorie.

LISA HOPELESS – Thanks for sharing that with us, Laverne. Would members of council like to add anything? Councillor Bullshit?

COUNCILLOR BULLSHIT – I can’t tell you the number of times I’m running late and have to pick up a bottle of wine.

DRUNK DORIS – You got that right, brother!

COUNCILLOR BULLSHIT – With the liquor store’s handy location at Oak Bay Junction, I’ll be able to get in and out in a flash and still be home in time for dinner.

LOOSE END LARRY – Convenient. Just like I said.

COUNCILLOR BULLSHIT – Furthermore, let’s not forget this is a family-run local business. What more can council ask for?



COUNCILLOR MADDOG – As council liaison for the South Jubilee Neighbourhood, I can tell you I’ve never before come across a proposal with such overwhelming public support. What’s clear is that in the absence of a community centre a liquor store not only provides a gathering place for young adults but a much-needed support network for seniors.

LISA HOPELESS – Since the outcome of the vote is a foregone conclusion, how about everybody stand up and join me in a round of What Shall We Do With A Drunken Sailor?