NORTH PARK ONE

LISA HOPELESS – Next up I’d like to welcome the representative for Bozo Properties.

BOZO – Good evening, mayor and council.

LISA HOPELESS – I understand some exciting changes are in the works for the former site of St. Andrew’s School on Pandora.

BOZO – That’s right. After our initial proposal met with resistance from the North Park Community Association, we put the project on hold for a year.

COUNCILLOR BULLSHIT – In order that you could spend more time consulting local residents?

BOZO – Not exactly.

COUNCILLOR BULLSHIT – What exactly?

BOZO – So we could sweeten up our initial offer with a few more goodies—I should say amenities.

COUNCILLOR COALMAN – New amenities? Do tell more.

BOZO – First, I’d like to state that all of the pipes in the new building will be LEAD Certified.

COUNCILLOR COALMAN – I think you mean LEED certified.

BOZO – No, I mean LEAD certified. But that’s not all, folks! We’ve also added a rooftop garden to the design.

LISA HOPELESS – A rooftop garden! That’s so forward-thinking. The two hundred new residents will be able to grow all of their own vegetables!

BOZO – All might be a bit of an exaggeration, Madame Mayor. But we are guaranteeing each resident at least one free tomato during the growing season.

LISA HOPELESS – I love beefsteak tomatoes!

BOZO – Not necessarily a beefsteak. More like a cherry or a grape tomato. In any case, it doesn’t matter, because residents will be able to buy all the tomatoes they want in the new Save-On-Foods that will be leasing the other half of the space.

COUNCILLOR BULLSHIT – I knew it. A big box store!

COUNCILLOR JOE THORNTON – How will this affect traffic on Mason Street?

BOZO – According to our traffic pattern study, Mason will go from a quiet residential street to traffic volumes approaching the 401.

COUNCILLOR BULLSHIT – This is outrageous!

BOZO – Your Worship, I could do with a little help here.

LISA HOPELESS – I think what Councillor Bullshit fails to take into account is that with the new bike lanes running down Pandora not all of the traffic will be vehicular.

BOZO – Thanks for the lifeline, Lisa. The mayor is right. Not everyone who will be shopping at Save-On-Foods will be driving a car.

COUNCILLOR BULLSHIT – But . . .

LISA HOPELESS – Hold that thought, Councillor Bullshit. Due to the high volume of speakers we are going to have to postpone the rest of this meeting until next week. I’m already late for yoga class, so let’s get a move on, folks!