POLICE BUDGET

LISA HOPELESS – Everyone say hello to our new police chief, Moe Sihota.

POLICE CHIEF – Thank-you, Your Worship.

COUNCILLOR JOE THORNTON – I always wondered what happened to Moe.

COUNCILLOR COALMAN – Well, now you know.

LISA HOPELESS – Moe, I see that you are requesting a five-hundred-thousand dollar increase to the police budget for 2018.

COUNCILLOR BULLSHIT – This is outrageous! The police budget already consumes twenty-three percent of the total budget.

POLICE CHIEF – But we haven’t had an increase since 2010 and we desperately need to add six new officers to the force.

COUNCILLOR BULLSHIT – I refuse to sit back and watch Victoria turned into a police state! What do you have to say, Jer?

COUNCILLOR LOVEFLAKE – Is this when I’m supposed to put on my Antifa gas mask and scream out “Fascist Pigs!”?

COUNCILLOR BULLSHIT – It kind of spoils the effect if I have to remind you.

COUNCILLOR LOVEFLAKE – Oops-a-daisy!

COUNCILLOR LUSCIOUS – On a more practical note, I would like to know if the new officers will in fact be walking the beat and making downtown streets safer?

POLICE CHIEF – Not exactly.

COUNCILLOR LUSCIOUS – What do you mean “not exactly,” Moe?

POLICE CHIEF – The new officers will be part of a special unit devoted to cybercrime.

COUNCILLOR CURMUDGEON – Let me get this straight. Moe wants us to vote to increase the police budget by half a million dollars, but there won’t be a single new officer pounding the pavement. Sounds to me like a money grab!

POLICE CHIEF – A Grab and Go is how we refer to it down at the station.

COUNCILLOR BULLSHIT – However you refer to it, the extra funding could be better spent if it was reallocated elsewhere in the budget.

COUNCILLOR LOVEFLAKE – Transgender washrooms, for instance.

COUNCILOR ALTERNATIVE REALITY – Woo-hoo!

COUNCILLOR BULLSHIT – Not to mention funding for new festivals. I’d like to take this opportunity to voice my support for Radishlandia.

COUNCILLOR LOVEFLAKE – Radishlandia?

COUNCILLOR BULLSHIT – A festival celebrating the radish, the garden’s most underappreciated vegetable.

COUNCILLOR LOVEFLAKE – I like the way they crunch!

COUNICLLOR BULLSHIT – Thanks for yet another invaluable contribution to the discussion, Jer.

COUNCILLOR LOVEFLAKE – You’re welcome, Ben.

COUNCILLOR COALMAN – Sorry to interrupt bros, but how about we try to focus on the police budget. Personally, I’m in favour of the request for extra funding. As the chief stated, not only has the force not received any extra dough since 2010, but in that time the problems downtown seem to have increased exponentially: Homelessness, drug addiction, Charmaine’s allowing a friendly old lab to take a nap on the sidewalk.

COUNCILLOR JOE THORNTON – While I’m also inclined to vote in favour of the increase, I’d like to receive a guarantee from Moe that the new officers will actually be working on cybercrime and not playing Candy Crush or sexting each other.

COUNCILLOR BULLSHIT – Need I remind everyone that our last police chief was caught with his pants down sending lewd email messages to the wife of junior officer.

COUNCILLOR LOVEFLAKE – And the chief before that had more than a casual acquaintance with the female lawyer who just happened to be negotiating his retirement package.

COUNCILLOR BULLSHIT – No wonder the people of Victoria have completely lost faith in the VicPD. I suggest that the force be dissolved and replaced with a revolutionary guard.

COUNCILLOR LOVEFLAKE – I second the motion.

COUNCILLOR BULLSHIT – Power to the people!

COUNCILLOR LOVEFLAKE – Stick it to the man!