POTHOLES

LISA HOPELESS – Our next item on the agenda is a motion directed at improving the safety standards of city works projects. Councillor Bullshit—this is your baby—so perhaps you’d like to walk us through the proposal.

COUNCILOR BULLSHIT – By all means, Mayor for the Moment. Currently it takes four city workers to dig a hole.

COUNCILLOR CURMUDGEON – Four workers to dig one hole?

COUNCILLOR BULLSHIT – One worker to dig the hole. One worker to supervise the digging. One worker to inspect the hole. And one worker to act as project manager. My proposal is to add a fifth worker to ensure that Worksafe standards are strictly adhered to.

COUNCILLOR CURMUDGEON – Wouldn’t it make sense if the worker inspecting the hole also ensured that Worksafe standards are being followed?

COUNCILLOR BULLSHIT – That’s not in his job description.

COUNCILLOR COALMAN – It would seem to me that council should not be worried so much with digging holes, but filling them. I trust Councillor Bullshit has noticed the sorry state of some of our streets. So under your new system, how many workers would be required to fill a pothole?

COUNCILLOR BULLSHIT – Eleven.

COUNCILLOR CURMUDGEON – This I gotta hear.

COUNCILLOR BULLSHIT – One worker to fill the wheelbarrow with fill. One worker to wheel the wheelbarrow to the hole. One worker to fill the hole with fill. One worker to supervise the filling. One worker to drive the asphalt truck. One worker to pour the asphalt. One worker to smooth out the asphalt. One worker to make sure the final product is up to standard. Two workers to act as project managers. And one additional worker to ensure that all Worksafe standards are adhered to.

COUNCILLOR CURMUDGEON – Eleven workers to fill one pothole! That’s crazy!

COUNCILLOR BULLSHIT – You’re calling worker safety crazy, Councillor Curmudgeon?

COUNCILLOR CURMUDGEON – You’re twisting my words.

COUNCILLOR BULLSHIT – It’s obvious that some of the more senior—or should I say senile?—members of council are more interested in preserving the rights of the privileged than protecting city employees from dangerous working conditions.

COUNCILLOR CURMUDGEON – There you go again. Intentionally distorting what I’m trying to say. The bottom line is: Are Victoria taxpayers getting full value for their dollar?

COUNCILLOR BULLSHIT – When have Victoria taxpayers ever got full value for their dollar?

COUNCILLOR LOVEFLAKE – Never!

COUNCILLOR BULLSHIT – Exactly my point, Jer. It’s never happened before, so why start now?