RAISE

COUNCILLOR BULLSHIT – It looks like the city is about to sign a new four-year contract with CUPE.

COUNCILLOR LOVEFLAKE – The bosses are happy then?

COUNCILLOR BULLSHIT – They were virtually able to write the contract themselves, so what’s there not to be happy about?

COUNCILLOR LOVEFLAKE – So the bosses think I’m doing a good job?

COUNCILLOR BULLSHIT– The bosses think you’re doing a marvelous job, Jer.

COUNCILLOR LOVEFLAKE – They like the poetry readings?

COUNCILLOR BULLSHIT – I’m not so sure about that. But as long as the two of us are able to quietly take care of business, they’re willing to turn a blind eye to some of our other pet projects.

COUNCILLOR LOVEFLAKE – To be honest, Ben, I’m a little jealous of all the perks city workers will be receiving in their new contract. At least you’ve got multiple revenue streams coming in between your seat on the CRD and your lecturing at UVic. I’ve just got the forty thousand a year I receive as a city councillor to get by on.

COUNCILLOR BULLSHIT – You’re telling me you’d like a raise, Jer?

COUNCILLOR LOVEFLAKE – I wouldn’t turn it down.

COUNCILLOR BULLSHIT – The public generally don’t look kindly on politicians voting themselves raises. But let’s see what we can do.

LISA HOPELESS – The little hand is on the seven and the big hand is just about to reach the twelve, so it’s time for tonight’s council meeting to begin. Hold on a second! Councillor Bullshit why is your hand up before I’ve even had a chance to announce the agenda?

COUNCILLOR BULLSHIT – I would like to direct council’s attention to a glaring oversight that needs immediate attention.

COUNCILLOR CURMUDGEON – And what would that be?

COUNCILLOR BULLSHIT – Given that the city has just approved a new four-year deal with CUPE, I think it would be a missed opportunity if we did not also review the compensation package councillors receive for their hours of tireless devotion serving the citizens of Victoria.

COUNCILLOR CURMUDGEON – So just how much of a raise are you looking for?

COUNCILLOR BULLSHIT – I wouldn’t call it a raise so much as a cost of living increase.

COUNCILLOR CURMUDGEON – Based on the inflation rate in Canada?

COUNCILLOR BULLSHIT – Venezuela.

COUNCILLOR CURMUDGEON – Just as I suspected! A money grab.

COUNCILLOR COALMAN – Honestly, Councillor Bullshit, I can’t see the taxpayers of Victoria going for it.

COUNCILOR BULLSHIT – Don’t think of the taxpayers, Councillor Coalman. Think of all the vests you’ll be able to buy with your increased purchasing power. Why, you could have a whole closet full, with a different colour for each day of the month.

COUNCILLOR COALMAN – I hadn’t thought about it that way. I guess I could always do with a new vest.

LISA HOPELESS – How will the mayor’s salary be affected?

COUNCILLOR BULLSHIT – We’d like to see your salary double, Lisa.

LISA HOPELESS – Two hundred thousand dollars! The same amount as I received from the Trudeau Foundation.

COUNCILLOR BULLSHIT – And almost as much as Mr. Coax makes a year.

LISA HOPELESS – Not only will I be able to buy the new pair of glasses I’ve had my eye on at Goo Goo Goggles, I’ll be able to purchase the entire store!

COUNCILLOR LUSCIOUS – You guys are aware that if the public gets wind of this the backlash will be enormous.

COUNCILLOR BULLSHIT – That’s why I’m recommending an in camera session to consider the matter.

COUNCILLOR LOVEFLAKE – That means no cameras.

COUNCILOR BULLSHIT – Jer, don’t let anyone ever tell you you’re not a fast learner.