RE-ELECTION

JERRY – My parents have turned their basement suite into an Airbnb, so I won’t have anywhere to crash if I don’t get re-elected.

BEN – Chill, Jer. It’s all about name recognition now.

JERRY – What do you mean?

BEN – Now that you’re a known commodity, all you have to do is sit back and switch on cruise control. Take me, for instance. I’ve become synonymous with bullshit. Every time voters think of bullshit, they think of me. That’s a huge advantage over anyone new in the field.

JERRY – And the other councillors?

BEN – Same thing. Half of the people of who vote for Joe Thornton think he’s a woman.

JERRY – You mean he isn’t? I’ve sat across from Joe for four years now, and even I didn’t know.

BEN – Everyone has their constituency. Councillor Curmudgeon might be totally gaga, but he’ll be the Chamber of Commerce pick until the orderlies come to take him away.

JERRY – But that’s the thing. Councillor Curmudgeon has been around since the last ice age. I’m the new kid on the block.

BEN – But you’re making a name for yourself. One only has to mention toddler poets or sanctuary cities and voters automatically think of you now.

JERRY – On the other hand, the new campaign financing regulations mean I won’t be able to tap into all that free union money like the last time around.

BEN – You’re too valuable to the unions as a “contract negotiator” for them to just give up on you. Don’t forget, the Victoria Labour Council will still be mailing out twenty thousand fliers endorsing its preferred slate of candidates. And our names are guaranteed be at the top of the list.

JERRY – But there’s bound to be other candidates who are more qualified . . .

BEN – And you know what, Jer? They don’t stand a snowball’s chance in hell! Even without official union donations, you’ll still be able to outspend the other candidates ten to one.

JERRY – So you think my seat at the council table is safe?

BEN – Never underestimate the power of champagne socialists in deciding elections in Victoria. They all claim high ideals but their only real ideal is to hold onto their pension and benefits.

JERRY – So they’ll still vote for me even though I haven’t really accomplished anything?

BEN – Declaring Victoria a sanctuary city for hipster baristas—that wasn’t anything? Taking credit for Fernwood Coffee moving half a block—that wasn’t anything? And who could possibly forget the poetry readings? Jeremy Loveflake, I can honestly say I have never known a rookie councillor who has accomplished so much with so little.

JERRY – Thanks, Ben.

BEN – No problem, buddy. Are you coming over for ice cream tonight?

JERRY – Cherry Garcia?

BEN – You better believe it!