RICH KIDS

LISA HOPELESS – Joining us tonight we have a trio of students from Richkids Glenlyon who are here with Bag Lady to add their support to a motion to ban single-use plastic bags. Cindy, you’re up first.

CINDY – Hi, my name’s Cindy. I live in a five-thousand-square-foot mansion in the Uplands with my parents. Just the three of us. Maybe two, if the divorce goes through. My parents have been fighting a lot lately. But enough about me—let me give you some facts about plastic bags. People throw out over a trillion bags a year. That’s a lot.

LISA HOPELESS – Thank-you, Cindy. Our next speaker is Jan. Hi, Jan.

JAN – How’s it hangin’, guys?

COUNCILLOR COALMAN – Didn’t I see your mom drop you off just before the council meeting? A Mercedes-Benz SUV, if my memory serves me correctly.

COUNCILLOR LOVEDAY – Nice wheels!

JAN – If you like fancy cars, you should check out Richkids Glenlyon just before the bell rings in the morning. You’ll swear you’re at a luxury car dealership. And the backup in traffic makes the Colwood Crawl seem like a dream.

LISA HOPELESS – But remember Jan, we’re not here to talk about cars. We’re here to talk about plastic bags.

JAN – Righty-ho! Do you know over a million seabirds die each year because they’ve swallowed plastic bags? Not only that, but sea turtles swallow the bags thinking they’re jellyfish, and then tiger sharks swallow the turtles, which means we currently have millions of sharks swimming around in the ocean with plastic bags in their stomachs! This is a huge problem that will only get huger if we don’t do something about it. By the way, Lisa, how are things going on the sewage treatment plant?

LISA HOPELESS – Hopefully, this motion to ban plastic bags will succeed at distracting voters from the sewage issue just as the bike lanes have diverted attention from the fact that developers have been having a field day since I got elected. Our final speaker is Marcia.

MARCIA – Last night I went out to dinner at the Oak Bay Marina with my parents. And you know what I ordered? Salmon—if you can believe it! If Jan is right, I probably swallowed a plastic bag or two before dessert arrived. I suppose I could have ordered filet mignon, but come to think of it that probably would have been chock-full of growth hormones. If ordering at fine dining establishments is this complicated, there’s something seriously screwed-up with the planet!

LISA HOPELESS – I’d like to thank the Environment Club at RichKids Glenlyon for their participation tonight. And keep fighting the good fight, girls!

MARCIA – You can count on us, Lisa. We’re even carpooling on the way home.

LISA HOPELESS – That’s great!

CINDY – My dad sent his driver with the limousine.

LISA HOPELESS – Every little bit helps.

JAN – I’ve got an appointment with my therapist. Do you think I could get dropped off?