TRAINS

LISA HOPELESS – Who’s our next speaker, Mr. Coax?

MR. COAX – Thomas Twain.

MR. TWAIN – Good evening, mayor and council. The city’s strategic plan calls for a stretch of the old E & N railway to be turned into a commuter line linking Langford with downtown Victoria. Any progress on that front?

LISA HOPELESS – Maybe you’d like to field this one, Councillor Bullshit?

COUNCILLOR BULLSHIT – While the commuter line is a great idea whose time has come, it’s only full steam ahead if two things occur: First, the various municipalities involved must come to an agreement. And second, the provincial and federal governments need to kick in with financial help.

MR. TWAIN – Any timeline as to when we can expect that to happen?

COUNCILLOR BULLSHIT – How old are you, sir?

MR. TWAIN – Seventy-five.

COUNCILLOR BULLSHIT – Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, Mr. Twain, but it’s doubtful the service will be operational in your lifetime.

MR. TWAIN – I guess I’ll just have to keep taking my vitamins and hope for the best.

LISA HOPELESS – Thank-you, Mr. Twain.

MR. TWAIN – Might I be allowed one more question, Madame Mayor?

LISA HOPELESS – It looks like you’ve still got a minute left in your allotted time, so fire away!

MR. TWAIN – What if some of the money that is currently being poured into the bike lanes was reallocated to electric vehicles? For instance, if all the new buildings approved by council were required to have a charge-up station, it might be that extra little push needed to get people out of their gas guzzlers and into electric cars.

LISA HOPELESS – Let me make it clear to not only Mr. Twain but everyone here in the council chambers tonight. No one is EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER allowed to question the bike lanes. Got that?

MR. TWAIN – But I thought the city was following a multi-modal approach to transportation?

LISA HOPELESS – Mr. Twain, I’d like you to do something for me.

MR. TWAIN – By all means, Your Worship.

LISA HOPELESS – I want you to say multi-modal five times as fast as you can.

MR. TWAIN – Multi-modal, multi-modal, multi-moto, multi-mogul, multi-motel . . . .

LISA HOPELESS – See, I knew you couldn’t do it. Mr. Coax, NEXT SPEAKER!