TURDUCKEN

COUNCILLOR JOE THORNTON – While Lisa claims to be recusing herself from tonight’s discussion because she keeps chickens, I think the real reason is she is a chicken.

COUNCILLOR COALMAN – You can say that again, Joe.

COUNCILLOR JOE THORNTON – In any case, I will be taking over as acting mayor for the remainder of the evening. And now for the person who set this whole chicken to-do off in the first place, I present to you the owner of 5015 Rockland, Dragon Lady.

DRAGON LADY – Rockland has a declining population. China has an increasing population. By allowing more Chinese to settle in Rockland, we shall increase the decline.

COUNCILLOR JOE THORNTON – Thank-you, Dragon Lady. I understand you have lined up a number of tenants and neighbours to speak on your behalf.

DRAGON LADY – You’d be amazed what a dozen free eggs can buy you these days.

COUNCILLOR JOE THORNTON – Shall the first tenant please step forward.

TENANT NUMBER ONE – Hi. I’ve been a tenant at 5015 Rockland for the last two years. There’s forty of us, so you might say we’re packed in tighter than chickens in a chicken coop ourselves. But that aside, Dragon Lady has been a great landlord. I can’t actually understand a word she says, but the rent’s cheap.

TENANT NUMBER TWO – Forty residents at $500 a month. You do the math. She’s probably clearing a minimum hundred grand a year. I can tell you that’s why she’s getting my nomination for Citizen of the Year.

TENANT NUMBER THREE – Were you aware that at one time Dragon Lady had plans drawn up to put twin condo towers on this very site? Compared to that proposal, you’ve got to admit her new scheme to open a chicken farm in the middle of a residential area could almost be considered a green initiative.

TENANT NUMBER FOUR – I’d like to address the issue of noise. In all the time I’ve lived at Dragon Lady’s I’ve never once heard a rooster crow. If anything’s going to wake me up in the morning it’s more likely to be an acorn falling and hitting the roof of a car. Ping! Hear that? Ping! There’s another one. Come on, guys, don’t tell me you can’t hear them? Acorns are raining down everywhere. Ping! Ping! Ping!

NEIGHBOUR – It’s nice to finally meet all of Dragon Lady’s tenants. Frankly, I had no idea she had so many nutters holed away on the premises. While I’m obviously of a higher social order, and would never under normal circumstances associate with such riffraff, I do agree that the chickens are not a problem. I actually think they add a certain rustic charm to the neighbourhood. And as for the odour, I quite like the smell of chicken shit. I think it adds a certain piquancy to the otherwise musty Rockland air.

COUNCILLOR JOE THORNTON – So that ends the public portion of our discussion. Is there anything that members of council would like to add?

COUNCILLOR BULLSHIT – Not only is it discriminatory to allow property owners to keep chickens but not their tenants, but the proposal before us completely fails to address the issue of other types of poultry. That is why I’m proposing a Turducken amendment whereby residents —whether they be owners or renters—would be permitted to keep not only one chicken but also one duck and one turkey.

COUNCILLOR CURMUDGEON – Don’t forget three french hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree.

COUNCILLOR LOVEFLAKE – We won’t.

COUNCILLOR JOE THORNTON – Hear that Dragon Lady? If this motion passes you’ll be allowed to keep all manner of fowl on your property.

DRAGON LADY – In that case, maybe I’ll forget about supplying my tenants with eggs and open up a petting zoo instead. How much do you think I could get per head?