YATES STREET

SPEAKER – Hi, my name’s Mandy. I live in the apartment next to the proposed condo tower under consideration tonight. At present when I look out my window I can see birds flying towards distant blue mountains. If this project gets approved, however, I’m more likely to be watching a foreign couple trying to figure out how to use the garburator.

MAYOR HOPELESS – Sorry about the view, Mandy, but the OCP clearly states that Victoria will look exactly like Vancouver in ten years time.

COUNCILLOR ALTERNATIVE REALITY – Besides, I think it should be noted that the builder has an excellent reputation in the industry. Have you taken a look at the sample bathrooms? Gold faucets. marble imported from Italy. There’s even a cupid with water spouting out of its pee-pee.

COUNCILLOR CURMDUDGEON – Sounds like Trump Tower.

COUNCILLOR COALMAN – Now that’s quality!

COUNCILLOR MADDOG – Before you all go getting too excited, council should be aware that by approving a fifteen story building on this site we are setting a precedent we might well live to regret. It won’t be long until looking down Yates Street from Central Middle School will be like staring into a canyon.

COUNCILLOR COALMAN – On the bright side, let’s at least make it the Grand Canyon.

COUNCILLOR JOE THORNTON – This has been a tough one . . .

LISA HOPELESS – Needless to say.

COUNCILLOR JOE THORNTON – I was on the fence until the developer invited me over to take a complimentary dump in one of the presentation suites. Let me tell you, even though I’m prone to constipation, that was one quality shit.

COUNCILLOR BULLSHIT – A quality shit it might well have been, Joe, but don’t forget once your feces left the building they were being pumped directly into the ocean.

LISA HOPELESS – So you’re against the project, Councillor Bullshit?

COUNCILLOR BULLSHIT – Even though I would prefer a more low-rise concept, based on the Amsterdam model, I suppose I can hold my nose and support the proposal.

LISA HOPELESS – What say you, Councillor Luscious?

COUNCILLOR LUSCIOUS – While even I must admit this development takes us no closer to the goal of affordable housing, I do, nonetheless, hold out hope that one or two of the new residents might drop by the Veneto for a complimentary free appy.

LISA HOPELESS – I can’t say it comes as a surprise that the only person opposed to the project is Councillor Maddog.

COUNCILLOR ALTERNATIVE REALITY – Come on, girl. Get with the program!

COUNCILLOR LUSCIOUS – Maybe if you’d learned to say yes more often Pam, you’d be married now with five children!

COUNCILLOR MADDOG – What concerns me is that in our relentless pursuit of increased density, we are putting at risk what makes us all want to live in Victoria in the first place.

COUNCILLOR BULLSHIT – You can fool all of the people some of the time . . .

COUNCILLOR LOVEFLAKE – And some of the people all of the time . . .

COUNCILLOR MADDOG – But you can’t fool all of the people all of the time.

LISA HOPELESS – Whatever. It’s now time to vote. Eight in favour, one opposed.

COUNCILLOR ALTERNATIVE REALITY – The only precedent Councillor Maddog appears to be setting is losing on key votes. Bah-ha-ha.