ZORBA THE GREEK

LISA HOPELESS – Our next speaker is Zorba the Greek.

COUNCILLOR LUSCIOUS – I must recuse myself.

LISA HOPELESS – Not again!

COUNCILLOR LUSCIOUS – You’re one to talk! Didn’t you just duck out of the Great Chicken Debate?

LISA HOPELESS – But I have chickens.

COUNCILLOR LUSCIOUS – And as it turns out Mr. Zorba’s business is on the same block as the Rialto.

LISA HOPELESS – How convenient.

ZORBA THE GREEK – Sure, go have a coffee and a doughnut at my expense, Councillor Luscious. That woman has to be the worst member of city council!

LISA HOPELESS – Zorba, I must warn you, there are other councillors who are far worse than Councillor Luscious.

COUNCILLOR ALTERNATIVE REALITY – Speak for yourself, bitch.

ZORBA THE GREEK – Customers are being scared away from my restaurant because marihoowanna smoke is pouring in from the new dispensary that moved in next door. I’m requesting that the city pay my expenses so that I can relocate my business to a place without marihoowanna smoke.

LISA HOPELESS – The city does not interfere in landlord tenant disputes.

ZORBA THE GREEK – It’s because I’m Greek, right? If I didn’t have pit stains and talk with an accent, you guys might actually help me out.

LISA HOPELESS – Granted if you were First Nations or a member of the LGBT community, you’d probably stand a better chance of getting a fair hearing. Maybe you need to work a new angle, Zorba.

ZORBA THE GREEK – What if I said I pogo stick to work each day?

LISA HOPELESS – Not bad.

ZORBA THE GREEK – Or I’m a millennial working in the high tech sector who’s finding it next to impossible to find affordable housing?

LISA HOPELESS – Even better.

ZORBA THE GREEK – Or I’m gender fluid and no one will bake me a birthday cake?

LISA HOPELESS – Now you’re talking.

ZORBA THE GREEK – But the truth is I’m just a middle-aged Greek guy who wants compensation for the loss of business he’s suffered because of Victoria’s new marihoowanna laws.

LISA HOPELESS – I’m afraid your five minutes are up, Zorba.

ZORBA THE GREEK – Maybe it won’t be long until your time is up too, Madame Mayor. I’m telling all of my friends not to vote for you.

LISA HOPELESS – It’s nice to hear you have friends, Zorba, but I hardly think the Greek vote is going to swing the election.

LISA HOPELESS – Not like the witch vote.

ZORBA THE GREEK – What do you mean?

ZORBA THE GREEK – Don’t think I haven’t heard the rumours about the Witches of Fernwood. They say you gather together on the night of the full moon closest to the election and decide what candidates you’ll support.

LISA HOPELESS – How did you find about that!

ZORBA THE GREEK – I’ve got my sources. I hear some of the witches even smoke marihoowanna.